Neurotic

When you're anticipating something, everything else blurs away into oblivion and you become obsessed with one pinpoint that may or may not happen in the near or distant future. When you think about it, your heart jumps. When you're reminded of it you need to wince. If it happens, you feel like you've been waiting eight hundred years for it to occur.
That's me right now, minus the "happening" part. I wait and wait and wait for the next move. It reminds me of a game of chess I once played, where I placed my queen in direct danger, but if my opponent wanted to take her she would have to sacrifice her queen as well. It's the waiting game, the nerves that get going when you're putting the future of the game on the line. You know that either the person will make their move or they'll swipe their arm across the chess table ruining everything. That option is extremely less likely put still possible. Yes, I am playing a game of chess, sacrificing this and that but hopefully for a worthy cause.
And for once, I'm hoping for a stalemate.
xxx

Relieved?

Right, finally, a positive emotion! This is getting good!
xxx

Anxious

Apparently letters not to send are better sent than not.
I am so scared.
Please respond.
I need everything to be ok.
xxx

Nervous

This is the part of the story where I never check my email ever ever again.
xxx

Cranky

Sometimes you're so tired you just could not give any fucks.
xxx

Honest/Poetic

Apparently I get views! Shit! Go away!
Or maybe they're just all me.

A letter not to send.
I'm incredibly good at those, writing all the things I want to say or wish I could say down and locking them up into a college rules composition book where the pencil cannot fly up and away into the real world. Think I'm kidding? Break into my locker, you'll find it.
I do not understand why I am able to say things that normal people would bite their tongue through, such as "You don't deserve this" or "I don't like you." It's the things that should escape my mouth in verbal form but never do.
So I will put this out into the public, hopefully letting it be a step to the phone call awaiting me tonight.

I'm not upset for the reason you think I am.
It's because I know about twelfth night, I know about every false thing you've done so far and in a flash I saw it repeating again. I've fought so hard for you because I craved everything about you as a human, and to be honest I don't know why. You're neither a hero or a god.
Yes, I saw it coming forth again and I was dramatically upset. I saw the fort I have been trying to build break apart in front of me because you play guitar but you play heartstrings too, and mine you've proved to be fond of ripping out.
How can I be secure with this when it got off to such a false start? To me, it could fall apart at any moment because you have done nothing to secure it. You look at me and you say "every book must come to an end" which is less than comforting. It kills me.
And yes, I want this to continue but please know that I constantly ask myself why i should continue or bother or care.
My feelings were well overdue, and believe me that I didn't believe those words for a second. Not one. Which is why it hurt so very much.

Lucky for me they aren't going to read this. This is just a corner of my space, reaching out into technology beyond.
It's funny, how you can put something like your soul available to the entire world but no one sees it. xxx

Sick

And not just in the physical way.
My body hurts, my head hurts and I am so beyond stressed that I think I could pass out.
I have to go to school tomorrow to get my ID to start junior year. I spent all day at the library today trying to finish homework then went to the vet because my poor dog is hyper allergic to fleas. He's an expensive little baby.
I am still hurting over my friend who left today. I should have texted or called to say a proper goodbye but he wouldn't have liked that since he isn't good at those either. Many of my friends are talking to me about it, telling me how upset they are. I can't chime in and agree, that would make it worse. So here I am, hurting in silence and trying not to cry because I do not like change.
I hope I will rest and be able to revive myself in time for the rough year ahead, but I also hope I can stay awake long enough to not miss anything. It's a balancing act, I think.
xxx