When you're anticipating something, everything else blurs away into oblivion and you become obsessed with one pinpoint that may or may not happen in the near or distant future. When you think about it, your heart jumps. When you're reminded of it you need to wince. If it happens, you feel like you've been waiting eight hundred years for it to occur.
That's me right now, minus the "happening" part. I wait and wait and wait for the next move. It reminds me of a game of chess I once played, where I placed my queen in direct danger, but if my opponent wanted to take her she would have to sacrifice her queen as well. It's the waiting game, the nerves that get going when you're putting the future of the game on the line. You know that either the person will make their move or they'll swipe their arm across the chess table ruining everything. That option is extremely less likely put still possible. Yes, I am playing a game of chess, sacrificing this and that but hopefully for a worthy cause.
And for once, I'm hoping for a stalemate.
xxx
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Anxious
Apparently letters not to send are better sent than not.
I am so scared.
Please respond.
I need everything to be ok.
xxx
I am so scared.
Please respond.
I need everything to be ok.
xxx
Friday, August 24, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Honest/Poetic
Apparently I get views! Shit! Go away!
Or maybe they're just all me.
A letter not to send.
I'm incredibly good at those, writing all the things I want to say or wish I could say down and locking them up into a college rules composition book where the pencil cannot fly up and away into the real world. Think I'm kidding? Break into my locker, you'll find it.
I do not understand why I am able to say things that normal people would bite their tongue through, such as "You don't deserve this" or "I don't like you." It's the things that should escape my mouth in verbal form but never do.
So I will put this out into the public, hopefully letting it be a step to the phone call awaiting me tonight.
I'm not upset for the reason you think I am.
It's because I know about twelfth night, I know about every false thing you've done so far and in a flash I saw it repeating again. I've fought so hard for you because I craved everything about you as a human, and to be honest I don't know why. You're neither a hero or a god.
Yes, I saw it coming forth again and I was dramatically upset. I saw the fort I have been trying to build break apart in front of me because you play guitar but you play heartstrings too, and mine you've proved to be fond of ripping out.
How can I be secure with this when it got off to such a false start? To me, it could fall apart at any moment because you have done nothing to secure it. You look at me and you say "every book must come to an end" which is less than comforting. It kills me.
And yes, I want this to continue but please know that I constantly ask myself why i should continue or bother or care.
My feelings were well overdue, and believe me that I didn't believe those words for a second. Not one. Which is why it hurt so very much.
Lucky for me they aren't going to read this. This is just a corner of my space, reaching out into technology beyond.
It's funny, how you can put something like your soul available to the entire world but no one sees it. xxx
Or maybe they're just all me.
A letter not to send.
I'm incredibly good at those, writing all the things I want to say or wish I could say down and locking them up into a college rules composition book where the pencil cannot fly up and away into the real world. Think I'm kidding? Break into my locker, you'll find it.
I do not understand why I am able to say things that normal people would bite their tongue through, such as "You don't deserve this" or "I don't like you." It's the things that should escape my mouth in verbal form but never do.
So I will put this out into the public, hopefully letting it be a step to the phone call awaiting me tonight.
I'm not upset for the reason you think I am.
It's because I know about twelfth night, I know about every false thing you've done so far and in a flash I saw it repeating again. I've fought so hard for you because I craved everything about you as a human, and to be honest I don't know why. You're neither a hero or a god.
Yes, I saw it coming forth again and I was dramatically upset. I saw the fort I have been trying to build break apart in front of me because you play guitar but you play heartstrings too, and mine you've proved to be fond of ripping out.
How can I be secure with this when it got off to such a false start? To me, it could fall apart at any moment because you have done nothing to secure it. You look at me and you say "every book must come to an end" which is less than comforting. It kills me.
And yes, I want this to continue but please know that I constantly ask myself why i should continue or bother or care.
My feelings were well overdue, and believe me that I didn't believe those words for a second. Not one. Which is why it hurt so very much.
Lucky for me they aren't going to read this. This is just a corner of my space, reaching out into technology beyond.
It's funny, how you can put something like your soul available to the entire world but no one sees it. xxx
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Sick
And not just in the physical way.
My body hurts, my head hurts and I am so beyond stressed that I think I could pass out.
I have to go to school tomorrow to get my ID to start junior year. I spent all day at the library today trying to finish homework then went to the vet because my poor dog is hyper allergic to fleas. He's an expensive little baby.
I am still hurting over my friend who left today. I should have texted or called to say a proper goodbye but he wouldn't have liked that since he isn't good at those either. Many of my friends are talking to me about it, telling me how upset they are. I can't chime in and agree, that would make it worse. So here I am, hurting in silence and trying not to cry because I do not like change.
I hope I will rest and be able to revive myself in time for the rough year ahead, but I also hope I can stay awake long enough to not miss anything. It's a balancing act, I think.
xxx
My body hurts, my head hurts and I am so beyond stressed that I think I could pass out.
I have to go to school tomorrow to get my ID to start junior year. I spent all day at the library today trying to finish homework then went to the vet because my poor dog is hyper allergic to fleas. He's an expensive little baby.
I am still hurting over my friend who left today. I should have texted or called to say a proper goodbye but he wouldn't have liked that since he isn't good at those either. Many of my friends are talking to me about it, telling me how upset they are. I can't chime in and agree, that would make it worse. So here I am, hurting in silence and trying not to cry because I do not like change.
I hope I will rest and be able to revive myself in time for the rough year ahead, but I also hope I can stay awake long enough to not miss anything. It's a balancing act, I think.
xxx
Emotional
I feel like any movie I watch with a glass of red wine is a movie where I will end up crying.
xxx
xxx
Monday, August 13, 2012
Happy/Disappointed
Happy because I had a really lovely dream.
Disappointed because I woke up.
I had a dream that I was eighteen and could just go out and travel. I went to England first, revisiting London and wondering if I should get an apartment there or not. I took the train to France with my good friend Bonnie Wright (in dreamland of course, sigh) and we just took a random train to a random city because life is more exciting that way. Also exciting is that I spoke french through this section of the dream, I've never had a dream in french before. We ended up in France's Disney Land, and I walked in and took pictures and everything seemed to be bouncing. Odd, isn't it? I flew down to the Caribbean where I stayed with my friends Rose Gladys Jack Jacob Charlotte and Nick, sorry anyone else not included. It was basically like staying at Azusa, if any of you knows what that means. I returned to Europe knowing well that money wasn't a problem, I could go anywhere at all and be happy.
Then I woke up. And I feel so disappointed because I would like to unleash myself in Europe with Bonnie Wright and, for once, get out of my familiar bubble and live. Then again that's not too far away, is it? I think that maybe I've been holding myself back. Waking myself up from dream, I believe that I could do these things (with a little chance meeting with Bonnie of course) in reality. Maybe not word for word but going back to England, taking the underground to France, maybe even visiting Poland. It's time, I believe, I stop telling myself no no no, and if not yes, compromise with a maybe.
xxx
Disappointed because I woke up.
I had a dream that I was eighteen and could just go out and travel. I went to England first, revisiting London and wondering if I should get an apartment there or not. I took the train to France with my good friend Bonnie Wright (in dreamland of course, sigh) and we just took a random train to a random city because life is more exciting that way. Also exciting is that I spoke french through this section of the dream, I've never had a dream in french before. We ended up in France's Disney Land, and I walked in and took pictures and everything seemed to be bouncing. Odd, isn't it? I flew down to the Caribbean where I stayed with my friends Rose Gladys Jack Jacob Charlotte and Nick, sorry anyone else not included. It was basically like staying at Azusa, if any of you knows what that means. I returned to Europe knowing well that money wasn't a problem, I could go anywhere at all and be happy.
Then I woke up. And I feel so disappointed because I would like to unleash myself in Europe with Bonnie Wright and, for once, get out of my familiar bubble and live. Then again that's not too far away, is it? I think that maybe I've been holding myself back. Waking myself up from dream, I believe that I could do these things (with a little chance meeting with Bonnie of course) in reality. Maybe not word for word but going back to England, taking the underground to France, maybe even visiting Poland. It's time, I believe, I stop telling myself no no no, and if not yes, compromise with a maybe.
xxx
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Sad
Yes, I'm sad. What a moving introduction to my blog. Ew, I have a blog.
I find it phenomenally ridiculous that people aren't allowed to have bad days. How thick can you be, turning to someone while you know they might be going through something and say that they have to power through? Ok, powering through is important, but for one tiny day can't someone sit down and address what they're feeling through words and body language and attitudes? I don't know why society expects those to perform their best when they are at their worst.
If Jean's grandmother just died, why is she expected to take the test that will determine whether or not she gets a solid B in geometry?
But that's just a small tangent as to what I'm sad about.
One of my friends is leaving for college in two days. I've already said goodbye in a way. I was falling asleep in the back of a car when he reached out to hug me. I didn't even realize that he was saying goodbye, I thought he left in a week, but no. That was it.
And I was annoyed.
I don't like hugs, I was trying to sleep and I was confused. He hugged me goodbye and I rolled with it, not knowing that I wouldn't see him in months. I found that out and texted him immediately, ensuring that he's return to us for vacations and such, but that didn't soften the blow.
Hi pal, if you're reading this. You can stop reading right here.
Or here.
Or you could keep going asshole, you never listen to me.
I was at a party last night and I cried. I do not cry very often, and when I do it lasts twenty seconds and I do not blubber because blubbering is unattractive. But sometimes I simply can't stop the tears from coming out of my eyeballs. I shed three tears and thought I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
This was at a party, a sixteen year old girl in a pretty dress crying because one of her friends is leaving her. It's not pretty. It's not good. And he would punch me in the face if he found out how upset I actually was which is why I told him to stop reading up there.
The truth is that I love him very much and hold great respect for him and I do not wish for that to stop anytime soon. Because while I was crying at the party I was remembering the good times and I saw them running away into my past and I found out that I was unsure if more were to come in the future. I've been told that every story comes to an end (which is very true) but do we even have control over such things? I don't think so, which gives me a little comfort but my beliefs don't necessarily match up with the world's ways.
I don't know what happens next, but I can't be bitter about that because no one knows what happens next. That's how life works, it's one surprise after another and I just need to hope and work and, yes, live through the bad days knowing that they will inevitably end.
xxx
I find it phenomenally ridiculous that people aren't allowed to have bad days. How thick can you be, turning to someone while you know they might be going through something and say that they have to power through? Ok, powering through is important, but for one tiny day can't someone sit down and address what they're feeling through words and body language and attitudes? I don't know why society expects those to perform their best when they are at their worst.
If Jean's grandmother just died, why is she expected to take the test that will determine whether or not she gets a solid B in geometry?
But that's just a small tangent as to what I'm sad about.
One of my friends is leaving for college in two days. I've already said goodbye in a way. I was falling asleep in the back of a car when he reached out to hug me. I didn't even realize that he was saying goodbye, I thought he left in a week, but no. That was it.
And I was annoyed.
I don't like hugs, I was trying to sleep and I was confused. He hugged me goodbye and I rolled with it, not knowing that I wouldn't see him in months. I found that out and texted him immediately, ensuring that he's return to us for vacations and such, but that didn't soften the blow.
Hi pal, if you're reading this. You can stop reading right here.
Or here.
Or you could keep going asshole, you never listen to me.
I was at a party last night and I cried. I do not cry very often, and when I do it lasts twenty seconds and I do not blubber because blubbering is unattractive. But sometimes I simply can't stop the tears from coming out of my eyeballs. I shed three tears and thought I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
This was at a party, a sixteen year old girl in a pretty dress crying because one of her friends is leaving her. It's not pretty. It's not good. And he would punch me in the face if he found out how upset I actually was which is why I told him to stop reading up there.
The truth is that I love him very much and hold great respect for him and I do not wish for that to stop anytime soon. Because while I was crying at the party I was remembering the good times and I saw them running away into my past and I found out that I was unsure if more were to come in the future. I've been told that every story comes to an end (which is very true) but do we even have control over such things? I don't think so, which gives me a little comfort but my beliefs don't necessarily match up with the world's ways.
I don't know what happens next, but I can't be bitter about that because no one knows what happens next. That's how life works, it's one surprise after another and I just need to hope and work and, yes, live through the bad days knowing that they will inevitably end.
xxx
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